


i'm not in love (really)

by cloudburst



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: M/M, an additional warning than whats in the notes, liam and ryder are not endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-22 00:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10685607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudburst/pseuds/cloudburst
Summary: He is the stars—light upon the horizon, new galaxies spanning the universe. He is everything.It's a shame you'd never realized.---drabbles pertaining to liam kosta's inevitable infatuation with ryder.





	1. the beginning, pt 1.

**Author's Note:**

> i rlly wanted to do this because who knows? liam and ryder are not endgame in these drabbles but these are all liam thinking about how much he adores ryder, basically

You look up to the bed in the med bay—the bed with its sterile white, Ryder propped against it—laying as if he hadn't nearly died. You suppose that's for the best; no one wants to recollect their near death experiences, but those Ryders are weird. You think that just maybe, if his sister were awake, she'd be counting how long he's been in a medically induced coma; it's got to be a competition with them, you know, because otherwise what's the point? 

You look up to the bed, and reach for his fingertips—tracing the side of his hand with the pad of your index finger. You wish for him to wake up—you're bursting with it. You're bursting, and he's imploding, and you can't take it—gripping his hand and squeezing so tightly, you're sure your own will break. And bring his hand to your lips, let it rest there a moment. You cry—floodgates, and you rest—barely. 

You eventually let go of his hand, placing it next to him on the sterile, white bed. 

That bed looks so incorrect beneath him. It's cold—makes him pale. ( _Because he is pale. He died, Kosta._ ) At least, it makes the color drain from his skin—your eyes latching anywhere but the bleak contrast of Ryder and sheet. ( _And you wouldn't say it's a contrast; it's the lack thereof that worries you._ ) 

He can't die—not the man you talked to back in the Milky Way. To you, he'd always been a real cause, a natural born leader. It had only taken this near death experience of his to make his leadership truth. As you sigh, you think it's a shame he may not live to achieve what you imagined he could. And you knew, then, that no matter what happened you would be at his side when he wakes up.


	2. the beginning, pt 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And they don't know him. They don't—not like you do._  
>  \---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayy

You know that many people look at him as though he hung the moon just for them—but it's not true; you don't think it's true. ( _It isn't._ ) He did it for you, for his crew—for everyone. ( _Though in moments you're alone, you may pretend Ryder creates entire galaxies solely for you._ ) He did it for them—for their sakes. But they don't know the feeling of his smile in the moment of victory, in the moment of realization that he's simply bought everyone _more time_ before the inevitable depletion of supplies. They don't know his happiness at buying another day for all to witness stars no one has ever seen before. 

And they don't know him. They don't—not like you do. 

They don't know the feeling of causing that smile ( _that beautiful smile_ ) to stretch across his face—honest and true—laughter rolling out of his chest like thunder claps. They don't know. ( _You think you're selfish, and if Ryder knew he may too, because you don't want them to know. You don't want them to comprehend the love Ryder exudes with every fiber of his being._ )

If Ryder made them constellations, you admit to yourself that you'd want handcrafted galaxies brighter than the stars behind his eyes—you'd want it all. 

But it's not jealousy. 

Because you're not in love; it's merely fear of losing the man you've come to consider your best friend. ( _Losing him how? You're not sure. Maybe it is jealousy, though you'll never admit that to yourself._ )

You're not in love—though you've acquired all the side effects. You're not in love—though you doubt that fact more every day. 

You're not in love. 

( _You are._ )


	3. the middle: focus on the spy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _But simplicity dies as he speaks about himself; you're amazed—enamored._

He's looking at you with suns in his eyes—burning fire beneath the dark brown. He's looking at you, and you're looking back—smiling, disintegrating to ash beneath his gaze. And it's a simple look, his eyes darting back and forth between you and any other point imaginable. It's a simple look as he sits next to you on that couch, you talking about your time in HUSTL. It's a simple look—and you're not in love. ( _You're not._ ) 

But simplicity dies as he speaks about himself; you're amazed—enamored. It's infatuation, you think. Yet simplicity still dies, and so does your heart. You're not in love. ( _You're not._ ) 

You'd realized back in the Milky Way that you would follow the Initiative through anything—because you believed in it; it was a cause worth traversing dark space for. It wasn't until Andromeda, until he nearly died after planetfall, that you realized the Initiative wasn't the only cause you'd risk your life for. But you're not in love; Ryder is simply a champion you won't let become a martyr. 

He always tries; he tries to help you—asks you about your family, your home. He asks you about simple nothings, but it means everything. All the information you provide is inconsequential but this, the friendship you have with Ryder, is not. 

It doesn't seem out of the ordinary when he asks you—normal when he asks if you need help guarding the Nomad in shady Kadara Port. 

You don't think about your response. 

_"Thanks, but I've got this. You just focus on the spy."_

You know now, that'd he'd end up focusing too much. 

But you're not in love.

_So why does it ache?_


	4. the end, pt 1.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You knew.  
> \--

You knew that you hated Kadara Port. 

You'd told him to focus on the spy. 

He listened to you. 

 

—the—

—spy. 

_Don't worry about it._

Focus—

—on—

—the—

—spy. 

_But not that much._

Focus—not fall for. 

Focus—not fall for. 

Focus—focus. 

Focus—

—on—

—the—

—spy. 

You knew that you hated Kadara Port. 

_Thanks, but I've got this._

Focus—

—on—

—the—

—spy. 

_Shena, spy, Charlatan._

Focus—

—on—

—the—

—spy. 

_Reyes Vidal—and Scott Ryder._

Focus—

—on—

—the—

—spy. 

_You can't think._

You knew—

You knew that you—

Focus—

—on—

—the—

—spy. 

—hated Kadara Port. 

_Don't focus on the spy. Come back to me._

You scream.

He isn't coming—he's on Kadara. _Everyone is on Kadara._ They might be able to tolerate a planet of criminals, but you? You refuse—feel it in your bones, the injustice of it all. Maybe that's why you're now on the Tempest, licking the wounds Ryder has unintentionally inflicted upon you. 

_How could he know?_ You ask yourself this with no real sincerity. _He should have known._

And you suppose it's too late, to say you're in love.


	5. the end, pt 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

He is the stars—light upon the horizon, new galaxies spanning the universe. He is everything. 

It's a shame you'd never realized.

— _until now,_ that is, when he's returning to the Tempest middle of the night, dopey smile on his face reflective of the darkening pink mark nearly hidden by the armor at his neck. 

— _until now,_ when he's in love with a man who is not you. 

He is the stars—light upon the horizon, new galaxies spanning the universe. He is everything. 

And you wish you'd never realized, what it felt like to be known by him.


End file.
